Marshall Rosernberg NVC - Powerful tools : Daily life efficient communication strength and methods

These are wonderful and powerful skill to learn to be able to communicate our love and pain skilfully with empathy and compassionate approach.

Here we prepared ourselves humbly to learn: 

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https://www.veed.io/view/a4f664af-cb73-4d96-a43b-69f949549129

Far below is the transcription of the video.

Transcript :

Well, I'm glad that you've all decided

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you'd like to work on learning, earning some giraffe.

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There's nothing I like better than to share

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this process of giraffe or “nonviolent communication”

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or “compassionate communication”.

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These are all words that I use to describe the process.

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But whatever we call it, I'm always glad to

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help people practice integrating it into their lives.

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So I'm hoping you have some concrete situations.

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I could show you how it works in or questions.

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So anybody have any ideas as to how we can get started?

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Yes, I heard you say in your lecture,

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you have a difficult time or there was difficult

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time with your family and your lover.

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And that's how I find my life also.

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It's somehow much easier to open my universal heart

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to people outside of me than

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it is to open my heart are hard to my family.

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Well, I'm glad you want to work at that level because

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I'm sure we can all get a better idea of

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how giraffe works in that.

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Let me be your lover, for example.

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And what kind of jackalish thing might I say that

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makes you forget all about these good ideas of compassion?

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"You're too sensitive."

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So I give you a diagnosis,

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Yes

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"you're too sensitive".

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Well, the very fact that you find that a difficult message

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tells me what ears you were wearing.

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You see, that tells me that you probably

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are wearing these jackal ears turned inward.

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Definitely.

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And if you do that, then

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you start to take it personally.

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You start to think there is such a thing

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as being too sensitive and that that's wrong to

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be that way, there's something wrong with you.

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And then you start to feel like

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PPP pretty poor protoplasm fully put together.

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That's it. Yeah.

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Of course, it's very easy when confronted with a

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diagnosis yielding jackal with these ears, to take this

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in and think that there's something wrong with us,

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or to put these ears on, facing out and

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diagnose the jackal for diagnosing you so that would

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work this way you're too sensitive.

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Well, you're judgmental or you can be irbidextrous.

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You can hear a little bit of both,

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you see, you can both take it personally

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and you can judge at the same time.

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But of course, we all know the

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pain that both of those leads to.

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What I've learned.

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And the more I learned to

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practice putting on these ears.

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Which I'll give you a chance to do now.

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Is that when I have those ears on.

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I see that the messages that are the hardest for me

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to hear are the ones that the other person is in

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the most pain and the most need me to hear their

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pain and not get caught up in the judgments.

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So now with those ears on, when the

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other person said, you're too sensitive, you will

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not hear anything being said about yourself.

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You will only hear that that person has some

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feelings and needs and that says nothing about you.

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So let's try that out.

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I'm going to say the message as this other person.

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And now the first words out of your

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mouth are going to be are you feeling?

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And you're going to try to connect with the feelings.

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And then you're going to say, because

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you are needing and you're going to

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try to connect with the person's needs.

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And if you're not able to do that

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yet because you're just learning how to use

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the ears, we'll have this trained giraffe coach.

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You all right?

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You're too sensitive.

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How are you feeling?

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Asking a person how they're feeling often

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makes us look like a jackal.

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We look like we are a psychoanalytic jackal. Correct.

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Psychoanalyzing. The music.

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Now, we don't ask how a

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person feels with those ears on.

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We sense how they feel and check it out with them.

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Are you feeling?

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And guess what that person's feeling. Try that.

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You're too sensitive.

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Are you feeling sensitive?

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Let's see if we can get another word

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for what kind of sensitivity, like what kind

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of emotion might this person have?

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My lover usually hurt.

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So sense that.

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Say, are you feeling hurt?

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Are you feeling hurt?

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Now say because and hear why

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the person is feeling hurt.

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Are you feeling hurt because of what I said to you?

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Oh, hold on.

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Here's what you're doing right into the jackal's jaws.

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Because see, what you said is, are you

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feeling hurt because of what I've said?

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And as soon as you do that, you

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are taking responsibility for the jackal's feelings, which

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is not good for the jackal.

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Because when we feel responsible for the other

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person's feelings, we cannot respond from compassion.

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Then we feel guilty.

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We feel we've done something to hurt them.

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So no, it's not are you feel

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hurt because of something I said?

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Are you feeling hurt because you would

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have liked different understanding than you received?

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Or are you feeling hurt because you would have

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liked to have heard what I said expressed differently?

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We want to hear the feelings and the needs of the

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other person without hearing that we are the cause of that.

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Our behavior is never the

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cause of other people's feelings.

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When we have a giraffe consciousness, it may

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be a stimulus, but never the cause.

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As long as we feel the cause of another

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person's pain, we can't really give them the empathy

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that they need to heal from the pain.

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So let's try it again with are you feeling hurt

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because you would have liked or because you are needing?

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Let's put that focus.

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You're too sensitive.

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Are you feeling hurt and are you

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feeling hurt because you are needing?

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Yeah, because you are needing? What?

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What is this for, jackal?

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Needing and what are you needing?

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See, here again, we don't ask how the person is

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feeling, nor do we ask what are you needing?

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We sense it and guess.

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Check it out.

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Watch the giraffe.

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Are you feeling hurt because you'd like to be

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understood without what you're saying being taken personally?

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Yes.

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You always take everything personally.

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I mean, I can't say a thing without

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you getting upset, and I'm sick of it.

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I mean, you're just oversensitive.

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Deep breath.

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See, now, this giraffe is glad that it's practiced focusing

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because it's spent a lot of time learning how to

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get in touch with its feelings and needs.

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And it can give itself some emergency first aid empathy

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right now to deal with what's going on, so it

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can then focus its attention on the other person again.

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So it sounds like it's enormously frustrating for you.

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You'd like to be able to say some things and

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just have them understood without them having to see me

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in pain because I was not able to hear it. Exactly.

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So how does this process feel to you when

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you think of putting the ears on like that?

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It feels much better than the jackal ears.

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Part of what does go on is I guess

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it's a jackal voice wonders if I'll be right

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when you guess the other person's season.

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I'm glad you're conscious of that, because giraffes

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never try to be right or perfect.

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Giraffes only want to become progressively less stupid.

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If you want to be right, then we get so

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afraid that we're afraid to guess what the other person

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feels, and then we ask, how are you feeling?

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Because we don't want to be

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vulnerable and show what we're guessing.

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But if your want is to become progressively

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less stupid, then if I haven't been right,

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being wrong gives me a chance to learn. Sure.

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You see, no giraffes know that anything

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that's worth doing is worth doing poorly.

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So I'm glad that you were conscious that

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that made this hard for you to do.

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Because giraffe ears you see, the technology doesn't

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mean we can always guess right what the

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other person is feeling and needing.

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All the giraffe hears do is focus our attention

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in that direction, and then we give it our

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most sensitive guess, intuitive guess, and check it out.

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Are you feeling hurt?

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No, I'm not feeling hurt, stupid. I'm scared.

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Okay, so it's one nice thing about jackals.

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If we don't hear them accurately the first

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time, they'll keep repeating themselves until we do.

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That's one of the two things I love about jackals.

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They always give you another chance

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if you haven't heard them.

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They'll usually keep repeating themselves ad

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nausea until you do hear.

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The other thing I like about jackals that we just

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saw they're very liberal and generous with their diagnosis.

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So you notice how this jackal diagnoses you.

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You're too sensitive.

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Now you know what's wrong with you.

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You're have to worry about it anymore.

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You can sleep nice, and they don't

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even charge you for this diagnosis.

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It's wonderful.

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It's wonderful if you have those ears on. Right.